Saturday, August 16, 2008

My Guide on How to Get Lost During a 10-Mile Run

This morning I decided to tag onto a group run (not my regular group), but instead of doing the 2 loops they were doing, I only did one for 10 miles. Now, I realize when preparing trip tickets it's difficult to get every left & right captured correctly, but add a few other key steps and you, too, can get lost on your very own 10-miler! For the low price of simply reading this blog post, here's how you can join my wonderful group of lost runners:
  1. Start good & early. Yes, it will be cooler outside, but it will also be dark. Very dark.
  2. When you have your first turn, be sure that the nearest streetlight is burned out. This is very important.
  3. Street names on your trip ticket shouldn't exactly match what the street signs actually say. In fact, be sure to choose streets with names that probably change several times. Be sure that your map has at least one of these, preferably 2.
  4. Your map should also include at least 2 streets where there is actually no sign at all. It may also be useful to run at least 1 mile out of your way before you realize the problem.
  5. Miss your first water stop, oh, at about mile 4. This will give you just enough time to really start sweating & begin feeling thirsty.
  6. Be sure to get frustrated. This is an essential element of getting lost.
  7. Turn left when you should turn right, or vice versa, or both! (see also #3 & #4)
  8. Make sure you go too far in one direction & venture into an unfamiliar (and seemingly unsafe) part of town. This can be augmented with extra anxiety when you're running alone.
  9. At this point, it is important to miss your 2nd water stop. And 3rd.
  10. Your run will be even more on the path to hopelessness if you find a convenience store with a jerk cashier who won't let you have any water. It's important, here, that you don't have any money on you. If you feel especially saucy, you can attempt go to the bathroom and drink from the faucet, but this is not recommended.
  11. Oh, and that gel you need at mile 7? Yeah, pretty much forget about that since you should, at this point, be dying of thirst.
  12. Do not attempt to choke down a salt tab with nothing to wash it down. This will lead to a coughing fit & your tab will end up in someone's yard very near a fresh pile of dog poop, making retrieval of your tab a bad idea.
  13. It's okay to feel like crying. In fact, this can lead to additional anxiety, which of course adds more to the desperation of being lost.
  14. All the work you've done to get your hydration in order and your pace committed to muscle memory should be abolished. Basically, consider this venture one of your lesser accomplishments.

The end.

1 comment:

Suellen said...

Welcome to the troop! This is essentially every run of more than 5 miles I've had all summer.

Of course, I can also add my personal skills to the list of ways to get lost...I'm so good at it I got lost on a one mile loop with four right turns!

Sorry your run was so hard...but I sympathize.

Suellen (aka Scout)