Why Dallas?

There are many reasons to run the Dallas White Rock marathon; however, for me there are some specific ones. I lived in Dallas from 1994-2000, and I lived about a block from part of the marathon course. During the time I lived there, I went through a particularly challenging time. My dad became ill, but my parents lived out of state, and I felt very disconnected from home and somewhat helpless during a difficult situation. At the same time I was dating someone, R, who really tested me in ways that no one should have to go through.

R owned a coffee shop where I went everyday before work. R was charming, handsome, Australian, charismatic, funny & somewhat mysterious. He was also rather vulnerable at times, sharing with me shortly after we began dating the grief he felt when his parents died. And I opened up to him about the despair I was feeling over my own dad's illness. I did see him have severe mood swings on occasion, which pushed me to finally ask him to leave my house (he wasn't really living with me, but all his things were there - I think now that he had probably been evicted from his apartment). Naturally, this sent him into a rage, and everything I thought I knew began to unravel. He was a chronic liar and manipulator. He was into criminal activity of which I was unaware at the time, including dealing drugs and stealing a car. He had stolen significant amounts of money, jewelry & valuables from friends then pawned them, and destroyed a boat (on purpose). He also had psychotic outbursts, which fortunately I didn't witness myself. And as I crouched hiding in my bedroom closet the night I asked him to leave, him grabbing me, his hands wrapped around my throat, I thought it was over.

Over the next few weeks I learned a lot about R:

• His parents were alive, as I learned when they called me looking for him
• He was not the owner of the coffee shop where we met, and had been stealing money from the actual owners
• He regularly took acid, speed & coke
• He was wanted by Interpol
• He was being sought by the FBI
• He had stolen and sold all belongings from a friend's home when she was out of town, and even ripped up the floorboards & destroyed the walls with a sledgehammer
• And other things that, to this day, are completely unmentionable

I was called and questioned, while at work, by an FBI agent after he was finally arrested when he fled to Ft. Lauderdale. And so it seemed it was all over. And except for one intercepted collect phone call I took from jail (he proposed marriage to me) and many other unaccepted calls, I never heard from him again & have no idea where he is today.

But all of that did a number on my ability to cope and maintain friendships and trust anyone for a very long time. I realized how naive I was about so many things, and was embarrassed & ashamed. I lost one of my dearest friends shortly after that because I was in a horrible funk and, naturally, in complete denial about it. I was in therapy for almost a year afterwards, which helped, but when the therapist started having me repeat parts of the story more out of her own morbid curiosity than my well-being, I stopped going. And eventually, I emerged from the fog alright. But what I didn't know was that I had lost a bit of my self-esteem in that process, that somehow I wasn't really worthy of much if someone close to me had treated me so poorly with lies. Two years later I found myself in a one-sided relationship with someone else who now, I can clearly see disrespected me. And possibly it's because I had never really gotten back to knowing I deserved better after the whole R debacle.

Fast forward to today where I am less than 24 hours away from running my first marathon. I have emersed myself into a running group I so deeply enjoy, and an active lifestyle that makes me happy and feel good about myself. It's also provided me with a great opportunity to surround myself with funny, happy people who inspire me in various ways everyday. So while, for 99.99% of the time I never think about the "Dallas" part of my past, I have, over the past few weeks been laser focused on it (and emotional, naturally) but in a completely different way than when I was in the middle of it. I have needed to be around positive energy as much as possible in my last weeks of preparation, and that has been difficult at times. I already feel victorious about my marathon.

As I run miles 18-24, which will be the hardest physically, it's also area of Dallas where I lived & met R & then lost myself for a few years. As I conquer that part of the course, I will know I have triumphed over that part of my life, and I can leave it completely behind.

It was ages ago, and I am no longer that person in every sense.